Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia and Bosnia

63 days into it, 12 countries down and its just about time to say goodbye to the east of Europe...the 5'o'clock shadow i was hoping to cultivate into the rough, wiry, chiseled look hasn't amounted to much more than patchy bum fluff, I'm tired, a little dirty and sick of showering with shoes on. Ive learnt some invaluable lessons - underwear can be worn for at least 4 days and possibly 5 if you don't mind turning them inside out, taxi drivers are less trustworthy than gypsies, don't ask Muslim women if they find Ramadan a good way to loose excess pounds and never, ever, get you haircut in Poland...

The last few weeks have seen me visit 4 unbelievable countries that have, without doubt, left me on a massive high as i leave this leg of the world trip...

I left Macedonia and took a 12 hour bus to Belgrade, an edgy city that isn't much to look at but has a great feeling to it. The bus rolled into the city around 3am and as we all got off i realised that being in a dodgy downtown Serbian bus station at 3 am wasn't ideal...and almost as i was thinking this i saw a pickpocket quickly and quietly helping himself to my fellow passengers pockets...before i could think of something sensible to do i heard myself shouting, "Hey you bastard what the hell!" and as the words came out my mouth i immediately regretted it - he stopped, looked at me with the eyes of Lucifer himself, and began making his way straight towards me...oh Christ oh Christ...as he did i tried to gesture to the other onlookers in my best Serbian sign language just what the hell he was doing and as soon as they realised what was going down i became witness to my first episode of mob justice.. People threw wild hay-makers, kicks, duffel bags and violent abuse at this Serbian villain and in a matter of seconds he became an imprint on the pavement - i was amazed, shocked and a little shaken. As i walked away from the scene getting big, friendly, Serbian pats on the back and with women offering their daughters as a gesture of thanks and goodwill i thought to myself....only in Eastern Europe.

Moving on towards the Adriatic coast i decided to get the sleeper train down to Montenegro, where i planned to spend a few lazy weeks sipping cocktails and mingling with the locals. The train trip didn't go without incident and as i entered my sleeping carriage i realised that once again it was going to be a long night, in a foreign country, far from home.

I opened the door and came face to face with two elderly women who immediately started hurling a barrage of abuse and general hatred towards me...oh joy. As i was relegated by the evil pensioners to the top bunk of the carriage they immediate started laughing and cracking jokes in my direction...what the hell was my crime??? I took the constant abuse for a little over two hours when i decided, no more. As they chain smoked and casually hurled blame for a 100 years of communist oppression and tyranny at me i started replying with something along the lines of, "Yes my gypsy whore of a friend you should have been wiped out in the Serb-Croat war, but don't worry I'll probably smother you with my pillow a little later..." and as they continued to chain smoke I decided to stay awake the whole night and fill the carriage with as many farts as was humanly possible....

They finally departed at their stop in the early hours of the morning and as they shouted a final message to me i responded with the customary, "Rot in hell evil pirate hookers" and for the first time in 11 hours i closed my eyes and didn't fear being castrated.

Into Montenegro where i spent a blissful few days taking in the sights of a jaw dropping'ly beautiful coastline but always had the feeling that it wouldn't be this way for long as the commercial tourist scene has already began to line the beaches...

From there into everyone's favourite - Croatia. 10 days of rubbing shoulders with bus loads of Japanese tourists in Dubrovnik, drooling over yachts parked in Hvar, handing over bundles of cash for cocktails in Korcula, avoiding fat German nudists in Brac and just generally taking in a great destination that will, i have no doubt, be over-priced and over-visited within the next few years...if not already.

And to the last but almost certainly best spot on the trip so far...Sarajevo. I was about 12 when it all happened and can only remember snippets from news casts about something happening in a far away place, to a city i had never heard of. A siege and bitter war that lasted for 4 years. The city is still pocketed with 1000's of bullet holes and scared with the marks of bombshells - its almost unbelievable and to think this happened just a little over 10 years ago is too sobering for thought. The people are friendly and welcoming and only want to bring to light and explain to outsiders the hell they went through...get there if you ever get the chance.

So there we go...the end of the first leg and I'm ready to leave - I've had my fill of this side of Europe and all it has to offer, I've loved it but am ready for another continent and a change of stride. I've been scratching at that travel itch but its definitely still there - call it a rash that wont clear.

Onto India and 6 weeks without having a solid shit. Bring it.